Legionnaire's Trail

A) The dialogue is wooden and stilted throughout. Every line is clumsy exposition in awkward prose. b) The characters are one-dimensional sketches that exist only as cogs to forward a flat narrative. The much maligned Mickey Rourke is at least amusing as he slurs and glowers his way through his horribly overwritten lines, but there's no hint of a an actual character in there, just a tissue of tics and mannerisms stitched together. And he's the MOST interesting of the lot. c) The directing and editing feel like the work of a not especially gifted film student; pedestrian, unimaginative, and designed to drain this flat narrative of any possible interest or excitement. Long minutes of a guy walking/running across hills/mountains/rivers/deserts. d) In several scenes, the director lingers on a shot or a location in a way that suggests that something interesting is finally going to happen. And then...it doesn't. Not an ounce of excitement in the fights or the chase. e) Spoiler: here's a plot summary to save yourself ninety minutes for squeezing blackheads or something less painful than watching this movie. Scene: Grumpy Roman General, mumbling to self: Boy, I sure am pissed at Nero. He shoulda just sent me to Armenia. I hope those guys that he DID send all die. Scene: Trapped Roman General to hero: Look, we need you to climb a cliff, run across mountains and deserts, and get Grumpy Roman General to come and save us. Scene: Hero climbs cliff with much tribulation, runs and runs and runs and runs, meeting a few uninteresting characters who never actually get developed, and gets to Grumpy Roman General's palace. Scene: Hero: Hey, come and rescue our guys. Grumpy Roman General: No. Grumpy Roman General's cute mistress: Oh, come on. Go rescue them. Grumpuy Roman General: Oh, ok. End. Hero: Okay.